A deep dive into my mind.

End of Watch made me cry. When the camera cuts to Jake Gyllenhaal at the funeral. Your expectations are suddenly void. You have to see his pain there, he as to deliver an eulogy for his friend, his brother. I thought it would end in the alley, with them both dead, Michael  Peña and Jake laying there, still partners till the end. You think that the story is they both die, and their families have to go on without them. You feel like Officer Brian Taylor (Gyllenhaal) shouldn't have to live without Officer Mike Zavala, but the alternative is death. Trauma doesn't end when you think it does. It cuts deep, and stays far longer than you ever thought it could.

Today was going so well. The line was fine, no frustrating orders or useless people. I even worked with Justin and things were good. He mentioned a heavy metal singer that he would "fuck a farm animal for the chance to fuck her." I said that I have a similar feeling toward Blanc Noir. I said that I would do hardcore, non-anonymous porn with her, because I find he so attractive. I didn't mean it, I'm far too shameful to have sex on camera. I think I said it because I had to. To fit in and appear, similar? That's not right, more like homogeneous, maybe like able. Then Liz showed up. I don't know why I get so twisted and bitter when I see her. she and Justin talked, I don't think they are hiding their relationship, if there is one. She talked to me and required attention. "Do you think I could me a model?" As Liz lay prone on a box, making sure I could she her butt. "Karl, smack my butt." I had lecherous feelings for her before and ...

The only bad feelings I know are anger and sadness. I cannot remember when there was depth to my anguish and heartache.